The tenth anniversary of 9/11:  everything has already been said, too many times say some folks.  It is a rare individual that does not continue to grieve, even those who didn’t actually lose a friend or family member.  Even after 10 years I’ve never been able to visit Ground Zero.  And we continue to be afraid, more than we used to be.  At least initially, the mild earthquake we experienced a few weeks ago was scarier because…well, we all know why.  We know that much of the rest of the world lives within the shadow of random violence, and hope we are able to empathize a bit more, especially when the violence is caused by wars in which our country participates.  The anxiety is always lurking, ready to catch hold of us with a news item, a loud noise.  However, there is one aspect of the legacy of 9/11 that bears repeating, again and again.  Extremism and hatred are an equal opportunity blight on the human race.  No one religion, ethnicity, or nation has ever been completely free of fanaticism.  Reason, peace, and compassion are the only enduring antidotes.  To return hatred with hatred gives the fanatics the power to define us.

Most of us have been told that people pleasing is not something we’re supposed to be doing.  We shouldn’t be focused on pleasing the people we associate with, and in making sure they are pleased with us.  It is said people pleasers are insincere and afraid to assert their own individuality.  While these are reasonable assumptions, they fail to take into account the many conflicting messages from our culture, messages that instruct us to be nice, to conform, to dress, speak and act according to a long list of rules.   Parents tell their children to “be nice” and children in turn tell their dolls and their pets to “be nice”.   We are to dress in the current fashions, and are not encouraged to question who decides what the current fashions are to be.  Someone who decides to dress in whatever fashion was current a hundred years ago will probably not be praised for refusing to be a people pleaser.  Neither are people who adopt currently unpopular viewpoints, like socialism or home schooling.  Speaking out against injustice frequently sets the speaker against the status quo and those who benefit from it, and they are generally not pleased.  It really is true that people pleasing tends to diminish us, and to mute the ideas that might liberate us.  But if we find ourselves people pleasing, we need to consider all the outside pressures on us to do just that.

Psychotherapists can go overboard in “psychologizing”.   Here’s an example:

Greek mythology tells the story of Narcissus, a beautiful and callous youth who loved only himself.  He broke hearts with impunity until one day he happened upon his own reflection in a pool of water.  He fell so in love with his image that he stayed, glued to the spot, until he starved to death.  We are all afflicted with at least a bit of narcissism, and like the broken-hearted nymphs in the story, may unfortunately know someone who is seriously so.  A true narcissist lacks empathy, and can only see himself.  Even a week like this, which has included both an earthquake and a hurricane, leaves him impervious to the reality of universal human vulnerability.  The earth can shake and winds can rage, but the narcissist must stay focused on himself and his conviction that he is in control.  Serious weather events are one way to ferret out the narcissists in our midst.

A bit much?  You bet.  On the other hand, narcissism is a serious interpersonal event.  And when we must live or work with a narcissist, informed preparedness can make all the difference.