Family Secrets

It has been said that a family is as healthy as its secrets.  In other words, family members who keep secrets put the health of the entire family at risk.  Secrets can be kept for a variety of reasons, but issues the family considers taboo or shameful are most common.  Secrets can also be kept to protect the reputation or authority of a family member.  Taboo subjects can include premarital pregnancy, mental health problems, sexual abuse, or criminal activity.  A family may protect a patriarch, living or dead, who had an affair or a drinking problem. Family secrets exist to preserve the prevailing status quo within the family.  And just like within organizations or nations, the status quo within a family almost always serves to protect the interests of its more powerful members, even at the expense of its stated ideals or values.  If a family member has the courage to ferret out and talk about the secret, he will most likely be maligned, gaslighted, or shunned.  However, the truth-teller is actually doing the family a great service, because truth must always precede healing.  I have known grandchildren whose apparently dysfunctional behavior is actually a re-enactment of a grandparent’s secret deeds.  When the secret is brought to light, the dysfunctional behavior ends.  It is so important that we uphold and affirm the truth-tellers in our midst.