I was sitting in the sand at the water’s edge when a dad began playing with his two children.  They included a girl of about 6 and a 2 year old boy.  The little girl was close to shore practicing with a brand new boogie board, and her brother was gathering pebbles.  At one point one of those bigger waves that seem to pop out of nowhere spilled her off the boogie board and onto her knees in the shallow water.  In addition, board and girl had gone over the top of the little boy and shoved his face into the sand.  Both children ran crying to their father.  Dad immediately picked up his daughter and began reassuring her, while his baby boy, still spluttering sand, hung onto his leg.  At one point he patted his son’s head, telling him he was okay and that there was no need to cry.  What I found so striking about this incident is that the much younger boy had certainly gotten the worst of it; and that the father gave me the distinct impression he was a good and caring parent who was trying to do the right thing by both children. No doubt he was passing along to his children what he had been taught.  To deny our boys (and men) the right to express the full range of human emotions:  that’s discrimination.

Parents who faithfully use time outs with their children as a form of discipline can still find that they are “not working”.  The temper tantrums, oppositional behaviors, and meltdowns remain unchanged.  Parents can even find that their children will place themselves in the designated spot for a time out while continuing to act out.  This indicates that some kind of behavioral conditioning is going on (If I misbehave I have to go to the time out chair), but that this is not actually changing the misbehaviors (Why isn’t this a magic chair?)  While this is disappointing and frustrating to well-meaning parents, we really don’t want to raise children who act out of conditioned responses, but who make choices based on responsible convictions.  In this, as in so many parenting situations, an ounce of prevention really is worth a pound of cure.  Doing our homework by coming to truly know our children can enable us to anticipate the needs they cannot meet, the times when they are too tired or hungry to hold it together, and to intuit and appreciate the feelings that they are too young to recognize.  In so doing we can circumvent and manage a significant majority of our children’s behavioral crises – the ones that can be so challenging for parents and children.

Children can begin to internalize right behavior at a surprisingly young age.  If a toddler heads towards an uncovered electrical outlet or staircase, a parent has to act immediately to protect the child.  This is best done in a matter-of-fact manner.  But then it is also important (if time allows) to provide the child with a brief explanation, like, “It is my job to keep you safe”.  Even if she is too young to understand, she will realize her need to explore and her frustration are being recognized.  And she will also intuit, without words of course, that her tiny self is being treated with respect by her omnipotent hero, her parent.  This is one way that self-respect is born in the child; and it’s important to note that this is happening at the same time she is learning self-control.  And so it is that right behavior begins to be internalized, towards the eventual goal that external controls, including fear of punishment, are not necessary.