The other day I walked by a driveway where a young woman and her father were having a discussion.  Or trying to. They were standing near the open door of a car from which came the piercing shrieks of a child who sounded not quite 2 years old.  The woman was talking about how she managed her child using the behavioral technique of “time outs”.  If this was an example of a time out, I was glad I wouldn’t be around for the next one.

Parents frequently complain that time outs are not working, and will blame either themselves or their kids.  As I see it, it’s the method that’s flawed, not the people involved.  Time outs involve having a disobedient child sit in another room or off to the side, ostensibly so he or she can calm down, and also think about the misbehavior.  It was initially promoted as a non-violent alternative to spanking, especially for younger children. The problem is, however, that young children are not developmentally ready to accomplish those tasks by themselves.  While some children are able to soothe themselves at an early age, this is unusual, and generally only applies to minor frustrations.  Distressed, frustrated children are not able to calm themselves, and to ask them to do so without the support of a parent or caregiver is not much different than asking them to safely drive the car around the block.  We need to teach our children to process their overwhelming emotions – just as we might teach them to tie their shoes or do long division.  Out-of-control children are just that: out of control, and learning self-control comes with firm, gentle, and active support, not isolation.  The rejection and abandonment young children frequently feel during a time out swamps their attempts to think about the misbehavior.  Finally, we want our children to internalize self-control and right behavior, not just behave a certain way to avoid punishment.

Bullies are not just found on the playground, but also in our own families.  The most blatant is the awful reality of verbal, physical and sexual abuse.  Bullying can also be latent, as in aggression that is expressed in a passive manner.  Hurtful remarks explained away as jokes, contemptuous looks, repeatedly “forgetting” promises, violating personal boundaries, and giving the “silent treatment” are all examples of passive-aggressive behaviors that can do significant damage to a relationship.  Trying to deal with these behaviors can feel like fighting shadows, especially since the bully rarely takes responsibility, and can be quite good at shifting blame to the victim.  It is important to recognize that it is rarely productive to try and negotiate with this sort of bully.  Trying to do so can make us feel guilty, confused, and can actually further embolden the bully. Passive-aggressive bullying must be blocked, strategized, or outfoxed.  We need to clearly see intimidation, deceit, and broken promises as an abuse of power in a relationship.

It is not unusual to see conflicts between parents and school-age children diminish during the summer. Why? Because there’s no homework. While the potential academic benefits of homework have been debated for over a century, it is a rare family who does not regularly experience homework as a source of argument and tears.  Except for reading practice, some researchers feel homework is of negligible benefit to grade school children; and find the same results for older children with homework in excess of two hours.  Not all teacher training involves how to give useful homework assignments; then again, some school boards and even some parents demand it.   It is a tall order for parents to make the role switch to academic tutor, and it can be confusing and upsetting to children.  And of course this all generally takes place in the midst of meals being made, phones ringing, and the needs of younger children.  Parents can, however, speak out against excessive and unproductive homework.  I’ve seen excellent results where parents have joined together (it only takes a few) to advocate with individual teachers or with the school to reduce the amount and improve the quality of homework.  In so doing, parents not only take back family time, but by acting as advocates, are excellent role models for their children.