I’m not a fan of codependency.  I’m not referring to people who tend to be called co-dependent, but to the concept of codependency. I consider it a fancy way of blaming the victim.  Codependents are said to be preoccupied with the needs of others and to spend an undue amount of time in caretaking.  They feel guilty if they stand up for themselves or put their needs ahead of others, and tend to be at the short end of emotionally nonreciprocal relationships.  This is seen as dysfunctional, even though these are precisely the same traits that are considered desirable in women in much of our culture.  You could say it’s a neat trick to come up with a label that holds women complicit in their own diminishment or even abuse.  Another group of people who can be called codependent are trauma survivors, who as children are wired for compliance, in environments where compliance may be synonymous with survival.  It is very difficult for women to transcend cultural expectations without support, as it is very difficult for survivors to transcend their very physiology.  The “cure” for codependency lies first in recognizing that it is most often a response to entitlement, abuse, addiction, or narcissism.

Addiction is the use of a substance, behavior, or person to regulate mood or self-esteem.  For example, if my boss calls me on the carpet at work, I can gamble or go shopping.  If I’m angry at my partner, I can drink instead of talk about it.  If I have a persistent self-critical tape in my head, I can work out to excess.  If intimacy overwhelms me, I can end up in relationships with a series of selfish people who only want to be intimate with themselves.  If I’m in 10th grade and in despair over rejection by my peers, I can take the drugs offered to me by a popular kid.  If I’m lonely, I can eat the whole pizza. As you can see, these are all avoidance behaviors, all meant to numb or distract me from the pain of feeling bad about myself or just plain feeling bad.  Now there’s nothing wrong with avoiding pain, we’re actually wired to do so.  The problems arise when the avoidance of honest pain creates more problems than it solves.  Addictions can result in a hangover, an empty bank account, a broken relationship, and a broken heart.  Even an addiction to exercise can crowd out meaning and connection.  Whatever we are addicted to becomes our primary relationship and the organizing principle of our life.  In that manner, beating an addiction involves not only sobriety but also the reorienting of our priorities.  For both, a 12-Step program is invaluable.

Shame and guilt are concepts that can be used interchangeably, but are really quite different.  The professional community has begun to highlight these differences because of an increased understanding of child abuse, and the complex trauma with which abuse survivors struggle.  Guilt is feeling responsible for committing an offense or violating a social norm.  Guilt is about the action.  Shame is about the self.  Shame is a feeling of disgrace, self-loathing, and humiliation.  Guilt is something I can address, by making amends, or by fixing a problem I might have caused.  Shame is experienced as inextricably linked to my very being, and so no course of action is available to me.  If I have a bad day and come home and kick the dog [I don’t have a dog] I will, and should, feel guilty.  But if I have a bad day and come home and am convinced that even the dog holds me in contempt, then I’m feeling shame.  Guilt is about something I did; shame is about something that was done to me.  When parents abuse or neglect their children, the children grow to believe they are unworthy of love and care.  If children’s feelings or needs are ignored or ridiculed, the child will grow up with their feelings disconnected, with their needs disavowed, and with their very being esperienced as fundamentally defective. This is sometimes called toxic shame, and is one of the most excruciating of human experiences.  One can recover from toxic shame, but it takes great patience, courage, and a committed coach who “gets it”.